brb, having a baby
brb, having a baby is what I call a “process project.” It follows my mind through all twenty weeks of maternity leave, with each week connecting a new insight about motherhood to a product or brand. Some of these ads aren’t great. Some are pretty funny. A lot of them were conceived during 3AM nursing sessions or 2 hour contact naps. This is why I call it a process project.
So join me, week by week, on my journey through motherhood. There’s lots of poop, hardly any sleep but it’s all worth it.
Some housekeeping notes: I’ve tried to, as the cool account kids say, “stay within brand guidelines” of the products and brands I used.
Please note that none of these ads are real. All imagery is taken from Google searches, AI or my iPhone. Not trying to get sued.
Week 1: The Blowout
If you have a good laundry detergent, you won't need to throw out all the cute outfits that the baby will eventually try to ruin with a blowout at the worst possible time.
Tide Free & Gentle
Week 2: Coffee, Coffee, Coffee!
Coffee was my best friend. It was (and still is) literally the only thing that kept me going. A hot cup of coffee is the perfect compliment to a 5AM milk drunk smile.
Folgers
Week 3: Velcro Baby
A velcro baby is literally no joke. You put the kid down for half a second to do anything and instant crying as if you have just dropped him off at the orphanage. I have gone to the bathroom holding my son more times than I’d like to admit.
Glad Cling Wrap
Week 4: Pumping Sucks
Pumping and breastfeeding is a full-time job and no matter how many times they tell you that, you can never be prepared. It needs to be planned meticulously around your schedule, baby’s schedule and nature’s schedule. Yes, you will need an app to help you do this.
Notion
Week 5: Google It
I truly don't know how my parents didn't have Google when they raised me. I actually ask it everything. Most interesting search: Why is baby only crying with mom and not dad; why does he hate me.
Week 6: The Smile is No Joke
When my son started smiling, it felt like everything was brighter. The second he smiles, it's like nothing else matters. I thought this was just something moms say and then it happened and I was shook. It is literally like a happiness light switch. (Yes, this my kiddo. How cute right?)
GE
Week 7: Instant Silence
They make you wait like four weeks after the baby is born to introduce a pacifier. My husband and I were counting down the DAYS to finally have what we affectionately called “a shut up plug.” Sometimes the baby won’t stop crying and then WOW, instant silence.
Bose
Week 8: Mindfulness is Key
I used Headspace a lot during my pregnancy and those early newborn days. Being mindful is an important (and hard) practice during pregnancy, but was incredibly helpful to my mental health. Looking at a sleeping baby and being present in the moment is extremely rewarding.
Headspace
Week 9: Irish Twins, No Way
The only thing doctors care about at your six week postpartum appointment is that you know how easy it is to get pregnant again. Does anyone really want Irish twins?
Trojan
Week 10: Their Pain = Your Pain
Seeing your child in pain may be the worst thing in the world. Even worse is when you can't do anything about it. Infant Tylenol is for moms just as much as it for babies. Takes the pain away for both of you.
Infant Tylenol
Week 11: Making New Friends
I would be completely lost without the mom friends I gained on Peanut. Mom-bonding is a completely different level of "shared experiences" and takes you from strangers on an app to "how bad do your nipples hurt" in minutes.
Peanut
Week 12: Colic is Unreal
Listening to a crying baby all the time isn't helpful for anyone. The baby will keep crying whether or not you put Airpods in to drown out the noise. No point in you both crying now, is there? I did this multiple times for my own sanity. Noise control really works.
Apple AirPods
Week 13: Volume Off
I learned that I won't watch a TV show on full volume for the next two years. Subtitles are your friend, even though sometimes they ruin the best jokes in shows. Did you know that when a phone rings, its called “trilling”? Now I do. Thanks subtitles!
LensCrafters
Week 14: So Many Pictures
I currently have 6,740 pictures of my son on my phone and he is only five months old. My iCloud is the most important thing in the world to me. I will pay any amount to have more storage so I can continue taking 50 pictures a day.
Apple iCloud
Week 15: A Seamless Fit
I was nervous about how having a baby would change things about my life and ruin all my freedom. But after 3 months, I finally started to realize that the baby fit into my life in a very seamless way. I didn't have to totally abandon working out, going out to eat or hanging out with friends and family. He just kinda slid in there perfectly and adorably.
Lululemon
Week 16: Backups Aren’t Fun
A constipated baby is no bueno. Prune juice fixes even the worst of backups. Believe me.
Sunsweet Prune Juice
Week 17: Will I Ever Sleep Again?
Even if your baby sleeps through the night (mine does not) you will never, ever sleep the way you did before. It's just not possible.
Casper
Week 18: The Baby Uniform
Don't let anyone shame you into dressing your baby into all those cute little outfits every day (especially when you're legit just chilling on the couch together and they are still an angry potato). Sleepers are easy to wash, change and zip down. The baby standard. Make it easy for yourself because nothing else is now.
Dickies
Week 19: Calendar King
Yes. My baby is five months old and has his own shared calendar with my husband and I.
Google Calendar
Week 20: Amazon All Day
Postpartum nesting is REAL. And the desperate need to buy every organizational item on the planet always hits at a 3AM breastfeeding session when I'm half asleep. I truthfully think Amazon can attest half of their Q1 sales to me.
Amazon